This Week in GEEk

What a Geek Wants for Christmas

So there’s a geek in the family. I know, I know. It’s embarrassing, but geeks need Christmas presents, too.

Do not fret. Greg is here to give you the lowdown on what to get the “technosexual” in your family this holiday season.

The problem is that geeks want expensive things. They want things like 40-million-inch LCD TV’s and big double-slot GPU’s for their computers. The good news is that I’ve compiled a list of things to get a geek that won’t break the bank.

10. Novelty USB drives.

Geeks love putting their crap on USB drives and carrying it around on a lanyard around their neck. Give them the gift of portable storage and style with a USB drive shaped like an NES controller or Sailor Moon. They’ll love you for it.

9. A T-shirt

You may notice that Geeks love T-shirts. It’s ridiculous how many social and weather situations a Geek will find it perfectly OK to pop on an Earthbound T-shirt and head out into the thunderstorm/blizzard/wedding reception of their choice.

Give them the gift of variety when you buy a shirt embroidered with “Hard Man” of “Megaman” fame. Not only will it have to do with video games, but it will also pique their ninth grade sense of humor and result in hysterical laughter every time he/she looks in the mirror and gazes upon the phallic-shaped villain.

Let’s hope they don’t come to think that the character is somehow a metaphor for their inner sexual beast.

8. An Adopted Puppy

Since it is common knowledge that Geeks often spend their nights alone, give them the gift of companionship when you drop a miniature poodle in their lap and say “Merry Christmas, you lonely son of a bitch.” Also, it might prove necessary to explain to them that taking care of a dog is nothing like a Tamagotchi.

7. Loss of Virginity

Three words: Shag a Geek. Unless, of course, they’re in your family. That’s just gross.

6. Smug Self-Satisfaction

So you’re at the family Christmas party and your cousin Ricky is over in the corner playing “Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2.” Give him the gift of ego when you walk over and say, “Gosh Ricky. Your head-shots are fierce.”

Cheap as free. Just saying something nice is all it takes for Ricky to gain the pride to tell his friends that his college-aged cousin thinks he’s rad.

5. A False Mustache

Your friend is all upset that they can’t grow a mustache.

“But Greg Gulbranson will never be my friend! It’s not ‘OK’!”

Give them the gift of 80s cool when you pick up a big, handlebar mustache kit at the local costume shop. They may not wear it much in public, but you know their bathroom mirror will see a lot of that mustache.

1. A Girlfriend

Yes, I realize I skipped numbers four to two, but let’s get realistic here. What a geek really wants for Christmas is a girlfriend. If you can somehow convince one of your friends that pimples really are pretty cool and that anime is the new opera, you should be able to set your geeky friend up on a date.

OK, he will probably fail miserably in trying to impress her at first, but I know that once she gets to know him and his quirky sense of humor (not to mention his fierce head-shot skills acclaimed by his cousin), she will fall desperately in love with him and be his girlfriend at least until New Year’s.

What more could a Geek (or anyone, for that matter) want? Oh, wait.

4-2. Money