NOTHING SPECIAL:

Last week, in the cafeteria, I noticed a couple of girls staring at me intently as if they recognized me. I jokingly remarked to Greg Gulbranson that they were probably just fangirls (because there was no way they were staring at me for my stunning good looks).

A few minutes later, I was startled when a young gentleman sitting at the table of the two assumed fangirls approached me with a copy of The Vanguard, opened to my column. “They wanted to know if you’d autograph this.”

I was stunned. As much as I joke about being a celebrity who is constantly being approached by fangirls, I had yet to have someone call me out on it in person like that.

I honestly wasn’t sure whether they were making fun of me or if they were worshipping me. I had no clue what to do.

So, I said the obvious thing: “Sorry. I’m under contract, and if I sign any autographs, my agent will sue me …”

I thought this was perfect, as it was funny (or at least I thought it was) and it diffused the situation.

But then the aspiring autographee walked away sadly, and repeated my exact words to the fangirls, as if he believed them. Once again, it seems my humor did not translate (it’s worse in real life than it is in print).

While rejecting my first autograph was pretty Rock Star-ish, it was also pretty douche-ish (they go hand-in-hand it seems).

So, I’d like to apologize to those girls. If you approach me again, I’ll definitely sign your paper (I just better not see that stuff on eBay).

The moral of the story: If you lie enough, it will become the truth.

And speaking of lying:

NOW FOR SOME BREAKING NEWS

As rumors of Miley Cyrus and Hannah Montana possibly being the same person have begun to spread like wild fire (and my “achy break heart” is shattered over that revelation), pop culture addicts have begun to question whether or not other famous people are moonlighting as different celebrities.

Rosie O’Donnell and Jabba the Hutt? Aaron Carter and Justin Bieber? Hillary Clinton and the Grinch?

Maybe.

But, while the Miley/Montana scandal may merely be the victim of glorified bloggers who are not afraid to use their advanced Photoshop skills to defame a celebrity just to get some attention (it’s disgusting and a disgrace to journalism), there is one about-to-be-unveiled celebrity scandal that stands above the others: Lady Gaga and Serj Tankian (lead singer of System of a Down).

They’re the same guy.

Speculations about Lady Gaga actually being a man have been floating around on the interweb for a while now.

But fans really became suspicious when on the song “Bad Romance” by Lady Gaga, Gaga’s real voice came out in true Serj-style with a smattering of guttural noises that sounded more appropriate for System of a Down’s “Toxicity” album. The song begins: “Rah-ah-ah-ah, Roma roma-ma, Gaga Oh la la, Want your bad romance” (the “Want your bad romance” part is unintelligible).

Finally, one sly columnist (it wasn’t me), drugged Serj and got him to show off his Lady Gaga mask for a picture.

I, for one, am appalled. Lady Gaga seemed so real and not fake. So down to Earth.

I would’ve never expected someone who compared herself to Andy Warhol and David Bowie to be a liar.

What’s next? Are we going to find out that Lady Gaga didn’t really get invited to go to the Julliard School? I totally believed that.

Or will we find out that she was a MTV actress before she became a musician? Possibly on a reality show like “Boiling Points”? Maybe a video of this will pop up on YouTube?

No way, Jose. Just don’t go here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1SIK-yzlxiU.

This also brings into question whether or not we can really trust the pop music biz, an industry that was built on honesty and integrity. But fear not, there is hope. At least we can trust in reality television.

I think I’d die if “Laguna Beach” weren’t real.