With tweeting comes the downfall of humanity

I refuse to tweet. In fact, I'm angry that I even know what it means to tweet. Unless you've been holed up in a bunker devoid of any signs of the recent social networking explosion that includes MySpace and Facebook, you too know that a message posted to http://www.twitter.com has become fondly known as a "tweet." Much like other popular social networking sites, users can create a profile on Twitter and communicate with others in various ways. Twitter is a little different, however. Tweets are limited to 140 characters, and they are EVERY-FRIGGIN-WHERE I look. I've tried unsuccessfully for weeks to go one day without encountering a single reference to Twitter. Cable news talking heads are tweeting. ESPN sports analysts are tweeting. Pop culture mainstays are tweeting. My classmates are tweeting. My friends are tweeting. For God's sake, my mother is tweeting! I long for the days when the only tweeting I knew about came from a little cartoon bird with a lisp. It has not been two years since Twitter Inc. was founded in May 2007 in San Francisco, yet AFP reports there are more than 6 million Twitter users. But how painfully unhip am I to call them "Twitter users"? They are tweeps, twerps or twits. I guess the Twitter gods have not sent down the official name commandment yet. The Twitter network is the twittersphere or the twitterverse. Popular users are twitterati. Overposting gives you twitterhea. You can mistweet, retweet, detweet and even write twiterature. And yes, the whale that appears on your screen when the site is overloaded … he's known as the twhale. Argh!!! Someone please twoot me. Perhaps the most famous twerp is the leader of our nation, President Barack Obama. According to Time Magazine, Obama enjoyed "groundbreaking success in recruiting and organizing millions of supporters on Twitter." And he's not the only twerp that has my blood pressure rising. Sen. John McCain and music stars 50 Cent and Britney Spears have millions of Twitter followers (twollowers?). One problem: Tweeting doesn't fit into their busy schedules, so they pay someone else to tweet for them. Despite giving it careful thought, I've decided I just don't get it. What's the point? Why do I want some person who is acquainted with a celebrity tell me in 140 characters or less how it's time for McCain's nap or another Britney meltdown. And now people are getting in trouble for their tweets. According to Reuters, rock musician Courtney Love is being sued for defamation, invasion of privacy and infliction of emotional distress for "an extensive rant" on Twitter about her dissatisfaction with a clothes designer. Republican Rep. Pete Hoekstra of Michigan was accused of jeopardizing the security of others when he tweeted during his trip to Iraq. Democratic Sen. Claire McCaskill of Missouri found herself in tepid water after she tweeted during Obama's speech to a joint session of Congress. Mark Cuban, owner of the National Basketball Association's Dallas Mavericks, was fined $25,000 by the NBA for criticizing game officials through Twitter. Cuban's tweet in response to the fine: "i can't say no one makes money from twitter now. the nba does." The NBA threatened player Charlie Villanueva of the Milwaukee Bucks with disciplinary action after he tweeted during halftime of a game. Fellow NBA player Shaquille O'Neal of the Phoenix Suns made headlines with his tweet in response to Villanueva's situation: "Attention all twitterers," O'Neal wrote, "I'm a tweet at halftime and not get fined like vill a new wave a whteva his name is." So clearly, Twitter is on the fast track to causing the downfall of society as we know it, and there may be nothing I can do to stop it. Despite famously having no revenue because of its lack of a business model, Twitter recently raised $55 million from investors. Several reports have floated around the Internet making the case that Twitter is a threat to steal some of Google's thunder because of Twitter's real-time searches. Maybe not all is lost. Maybe its popularity will burn it out. Republican adviser Mark McKinnon wrote on The Daily Beast Web site: "If members of Congress are Twittering, we can be fairly certain it won't be hip much longer."