The Rules of Engagement from a wedding reception bar

There are lots of rules and common knowledge out there. Lefty loosey; righty tighty (sic). "Never go up against a Sicilian when death is on the line!" Don't crap where you eat. Don't make out with a girl with an Adam's apple as big as yours. Some of these rules are very specific, and some can be sort of like a passage from the Bible - interpreted and applied to whatever situation you're facing at the moment. The Rules of Engagement (ROE) can be considered the latter.

Technically, ROE is a term to describe where, when, and how force will be used. This applies to military and police operations. Think SWAT team and soldiers engaging insurgents. Think Waco ... er ...on second thought forget about that "little incident" in Texas. Needless to say, ROE can fail as fast as freshman with an over-dependence of beer, bud, and second-hand class notes.

But these rules can take on a broader range. The basis to any kind of engagement is commitment. Whether that means committing to putting a bullet in some dude's head or a ring on a gal's finger, there are rules that follow all these types of engagements. It's funny how death and marriage seem to go hand in hand. Here are a few rules that should keep you safe during most engagements.

Respect your combatant as you would an ally. Actually, give them even more respect than a buddy. Buddies won't slash your tires and throw a brick through your windshield. I say this after watching a friend/groomsman's make an ass out of himself at a place called The Double Deuce.

Maybe it was the fact we were partying in a converted barn in the middle of nowhere that brought out the said friend's white trash tendencies. Maybe it was the consumption of enough alcohol to kill an average sized donkey, but maybe - just maybe - the dude left all forms of respect at home (next to the empty cup of yogurt on the kitchen counter). This guy was unbelievable! He had two girls covertly vying for his "affection" while he openly played both like playing paper-rock-scissors with a Stevie Wonder.

He ended up trying to pass off one of the girls onto someone (anyone) in the place. Like trying to pass off bleach as contact lens cleaner, he was fooling no one except for the ladies involved (or did he?). The first thing that passed through my mind was did this guy know that "hell hath no fury like a woman scorned"? We all know scorn can cause many horrible things such has the withholding of sex and withholding of not keying "bastard" onto the hood of your new truck. The second question I had was: Did the girls forget the following ROE?:

Be shrewd and show no mercy. What if the situation at hand is a wedding engagement, you ask? Being realistic, establishing a tentative timeline, and having a game plan should still apply. Committing yourself forever to the same vagina (or penis) doesn't just happen. It takes lots of hard work and negotiation. You might even have to skip some very important football games.

But back to The Double Deuce - it was taking a lot out of me just to watch these girls repeatedly disregard self-respect and enable such douche-bag behavior. They unwittingly were the ones actually "on the drop." It's a well known fact that females ALWAYS have the upper hand at any reputable club. Ladies, it keeps us guys humble, somewhat honest and paying for your drinks. So why were these girls not aborting this fruitless mission? I guess The Deuce isn't that kind of club.

Learn from past mistakes. Nobody's perfect. Even the most elite military and law enforcement organizations goof up sometimes (although those usually get beamed around the world on CNN and involve at least a few cups of blood involuntarily exiting someone's body). Our transgressions hopefully at least stay within the handful of people involved, unless Myspace.com is involved. In the battle that is life, bullets will be flying. Some might literally be bullets, and some might be the just-as-deadly metaphoric type. And no matter how nimble you are, no amount of "Matrix"-dodging ability can keep you unscathed. There are too many bullets! You're bound to get shot in the ass once or twice (they say that's the best place to take a bullet, by the way), but anything more than that is a lack of learning from previous blunders. I've taken bullets for my reluctance to say the "L" word and inserting "but" at the end of the phrase "I'm sorry." Learn from at least these two mistakes. Your butt will thank you.

There you have it. Three rules of engagement. I have to go take advantage of the wedding reception's open bar. It's amazing what you can learn while drinking and watching people. God knows I've been entertaining for years. A congrats and thanks has to go out to Ross and Carrie. I hope your marriage is as blessed as Donald Trump winning the lottery. Hell, you guys made this schmuck 20 bucks for this column!